After five years of modeling, the moment has come for me to drown my book. My race is run, my hairline receding. But before I go, I want to leave a short guide to the mostly dark truths of the male modeling world. Suffice to say that I have worked as an editorial model in London, Paris, and Milan for half a decade. I have appeared in some big fashion magazines and done my fair share of shows and small campaigns.
Alpha Model: Like, I know it sounds stupid, yeah, but, like, I never realised how big my dick was, yeah, until I lost my virginity, d’you know what I mean?
Beta Model 1: [Giggles encouragingly. He wants to hear more. He wants to know all about this massive dick, this corpulent member slumbering sweetly next to him like a baby koala in its
mother’s pouch.] Mate! What happened!?
Alpha Model: So I was fucking for the first time, yeah, and she was, like, moaning and shit, yeah, and I was like, fuck, I’m a born stud, know what I’m saying?
Beta Model 1: [Nods vigorously] Shit man, yeah…
Beta Model 1: [Whoops loudly] Yeahyeahyeah
Beta Model 2: [Concentrates on breathing]
Alpha Model: But then she like shouts in my ear ‘STOP STOP YOUR DICK’S TOO BIG, YOU’VE FUCKING DISLODGED MY FUCKING COIL!’ Hahahahahahahahaha!
I’d like to talk to you about debt. Your agency calls. Would you like to do New York Fashion Week? Sure, you say.
The fashion industry presents the Caucasian as the aesthetic ideal. Yet behind the scenes, it boasts a fairly diverse working environment. Such contradictions are to be expected, but this doesn’t mean they should be glossed over. At any given casting, at least 80% of the models present will be white. The remaining 20% will be black or Latin. There is usually a token ‘androgynous Asian’ in the mix too.
You will come across them from time to time. Hold on to them, for fuck’s sake. Think Leo at the end of Titanic (without the bit where Rose pries his cold fingers off the raft, the bitch. How many years did you spend in medical school, Rose? WHAT IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE????)
What do male models think they’ll be doing in five years’ time?
“Oh, you’re in a band? How’s that going for you? Really well?”
Quid pro nihilo (or ‘doing shit for free’)
Really needing the toilet!!
Models, like soldiers, spend most of their time waiting. I shudder to think how many hours I have spent waiting in line at castings or doing nothing while a photographer faffs around with his lights. It’s important to realize that this is actually an opportunity. Read some books, people.
At some point you will be asked to get your cock out. Whether you oblige is your own affair. If you decide to go for it, remember that photos make everyone—and everything—look fatter than in real life. So you’ve only got something to gain, at least in terms of girth.
This is what it’s all about my little ones, so gather round. As a model, you are more involved than most in the defining act of our age: the commercial transaction. You are there to sell things. Things. Inanimate objects. By purchasing them, the consumer believes that an alchemical process will take place. They will become something else, someone else. It doesn’t work, of course. Maybe next time…