What It's Like to Be Backstage at a Male Underwear Fashion Show
"Isn't it always about the bulge?"
by Lisa Amberson, assistant to Uvenio
I am thrilled and honor to be on the blog/writing staff for Uvenio's growing writing staffs.
Intrigued by this revolutionary butt technology, I demanded more details. It's about the lifestyle needs of the man, he explained. For example, they have black tie underwear. I asked what the hell that means.
So naturally, I asked them if they had girlfriends. The guy on the left, Ronald Epps, said he did and the guy on the right, Deric Mikens, said no. I asked if they wanted girlfriends. Deric said yes and obviously Ronald was going to say no, but just to be sure, I asked him if he wanted another one anyway. He laughed and still said no, which, good for his romantic partner! Wanting to test their jealousy levels (and since they looked like molded clay), I asked if they thought any of the other underwear models were hotter than them. They took it really seriously, really thought about it.
What seemed like full minutes later, Ronald replied, "There's this one guy here his name is Ronald Epps. He's pretty hot." Get it? It's a male underwear model joke. Deric, however, was a true diplomat, saying, "I think everyone's got their own qualities. Everyone's got their own look. Everyone's got nice bodies, that's why we're here." Aww.
With such high, sculpted-clay competition, I wondered if they ever got nervous parading about in their underwear. "I think it's fun, you know, you go out there and you got swagger ..." Mikens began, before Epps jumped in: "It's a little cold right now out there, so there's some things to think about." He's talking about shrinking penises. Let's all consider for a moment. OK, you guys good? Moving on.
When I asked Nikolai if he tells people he's an underwear model, or if he just says he's a model and leaves out the part about his bulge being on display, Nikolai said, "I tell people I work in advertising so it doesn't matter." When I pointed out that was a lie, he said, "But I do advertise," and gestured toward his crotch. This guy is good.
After my mind was throughly blown by that rosy-cheeked liar, I moved on to Miguel (pictured above) and fortunately was able to capture a photo of how throughly confused he was by my not-very-much-about-underwear line of questioning. He was joined by another friend who was definitely hot enough to be a model but was suspiciously clothed and hardly spoke English, so I'm guessing he's a friend from Italian high school.
At my first question, Miguel stared into space in a hot way, so I decided it was time to get down to the real question: "Why are you hot?" They remained pensive, then laughed, and Miguel responded, "Because our parents, they made very good sex together," which was my cue to walk away.
The lights dimmed, the music thumped, and suddenly the chiseled Ken-dolls-with-penises I had just talked to weren't just hot, naked robots anymore; they were runway models with visible junk bulge! I'd spent so much time backstage averting my eyes from their dong slings that I didn't even realize how much bulge there truly was. It's a lot. A lot of bulge.